I have joined the ranks of millions
Miscarriage. I don't like the word - I don't think anyone does. It has turned my life upside down. In just 36 hours, my world went from being filled with promise of a new baby in the fall, to the frightening sight of blood (the last thing you want to see when pregnant), to the fateful ultrasound that told us our sweet angel had stopped growing and died, and was never to have a life in this world. What heartbreak. What sorrow. God, it's been a week now, and even though I've had time to grieve, I am still shattered. I am still crying. I have been provided comfort from my wonderful husband, and from my wonderful family who I got to see this Easter and who surrounded me with love, hugs and distraction, as well as from the few friends I have told who have shared stories of their own sad experiences with this awful reality. But it doesn't take away the pain. I just pray that my little angel is with you Jesus in Heaven - that my baby will have a glorious life with You, that you can redeem it from the life it was robbed here on earth. I also pray for healing - of my body and my spirit. I pray that I can forgive myself - even though I know I am not at fault, I still feel some responsibility for my sweet baby. I pray for courage to move on, as I head back to work tomorrow. I pray that I never forget. This has been a horrifying nightmarish experience, however, I have also grown through it - I have a new appreciation for the miracle that is life. For the creation of life. It is no simple matter to have a human grow from conception to newborn baby, and beyond. Life is truly miraculous. I am counting my blessings with renewed depth with this new lens I have on - I appreciate the gift that I have in my sweet boy so much more, and if I am blessed to have another baby, I know I will never take it for granted. I also feel like my heart has grown just a little bit bigger - it was already growing, making room for the new child that was to be in my life, and my lost baby will always have a place in my heart - but my heart has also grown in compassion towards women who have gone through this before, who will go through it, and who struggle in other ways when it comes to conception. Our world is a broken place, and I know that my heartache is not the only pain. However, I can live with hope that Jesus will help me heal in this life, and that there is promise of a new life in a redeemed world, where Jesus is King and there is no more pain, no more death. Amen.